The Art of Being Sexy: Can I master it?

by VibePlanet editorial team
Aug 31, 2021


Some people exude a strong sex appeal with confidence effortlessly, while others struggle to appear and feel sexy. Is sexiness innate, or is it something you can learn? Can you activate your sexual magnetism? The good news is confidence, body language, and how you present yourself matter more than your appearance. Experts suggest that you can master being sexy by being yourself, enhancing your self-esteem, and overcoming your fears.

The fear of being sexy

There are various reasons women might be afraid to feel sexy.

Women who grew up in a conservative community, where people celebrated modesty and judged sexiness as offensive may feel they need to avoid displays of sexiness. Slut culture contributes to the judgment of women’s sexual charisma as girls are often stigmatized and shamed when their sexual behavior differs from society’s expectations. And society usually expects women to be good girls, settle in a relationship, and have kids.

It’s a subtle fight between being attractive and modest, playing the good girl, and satisfying men’s expectations. Women must look sexy and avoid looking slutty. And we haven’t even talked about the unrealistic expectations regarding a woman’s body: to suit the status quo, women have to be skinny but not too thin.

Parents also play a significant role in the debate. Parents that forbid daughters from looking sexy as part of purity culture or earning a bad reputation can result in fear of showing and experimenting with one’s sexual magnetism.

The so-called hot girl syndrome means girls with stunning appearance fear feeling too sexy because other women might judge them. On the other hand, women who see a stunningly sexy person might treat them as rivals and have angst to experience their own sexuality. 

Society taught us sexiness is all-around appearance; therefore, some people fear experimenting with their sexual charisma because they think they’re not entitled to that feeling. They don’t feel comfortable in their bodies. This personal attitude might prevent many from sharing their sex appeal with the world. But sexiness isn’t solely about appearance: it’s an inner feeling regardless of one’s outlook.

Other women fear sexiness as a result of past traumas, sexual harassment, or mobbing. 

But why is it even important to feel sexy? Experts suggest it contributes to greater sexual self-esteem, satisfaction, higher frequency of sexual activities, and greater general self-esteem. Feeling sexy can make you more confident and can enhance your well-being.

How to overcome the fear

Regardless of your angst’s underlying causes, you can overcome them by facing your fears, self-reflection, eliminating harmful self-talk, or therapy.

As the clinical psychologist and researcher Noam Shpancer, Ph.D., put it, “to get rid of fear, you must first embrace it.” Enter the scary settings and stay there regardless of your emotions. How do you overcome the hesitations if you’re afraid of wearing a provocative piece of clothing or that red lipstick you bought on impulse? Wear that damn dress! Put on that lipstick, and accept that others can think about you whatever they want, and embrace the new you. Several studies show that exposing ourselves to the feared situation is one of the most effective methods to overcoming our dreads. 

Reflect on your feelings and thoughts. How do you feel, and what do you think? Why is that the case? What are you so afraid of? Start a journal to write down your feelings if you think that could be helpful to you. 

The process might be challenging; therefore, it’s crucial to pamper yourself in the meantime. Replace negative self-talk with kind words. You have two legs that can take you anywhere, and your lungs are filled with fresh air every second: your body is a masterpiece on its own. You’re a conscious human being with unique ideas. If the appreciation of the miracle of life isn’t enough to feel sexy, then what is? 

However, keep in mind that these practices might not work all the time, as there’s never a one-size-fits-all solution. If you feel you struggle and can’t move forward on your own, consider consulting with a psychotherapist. To fight fear, sometimes people have to participate in “cognitive therapy for changing anxious thoughts.”

The ways you can express your sexuality

There are thousands of ways you can express your sexuality apart from appearance. 

First, you can learn to be aware of your body and feel comfortable in it. Pay attention to the way you speak, smell, and walk. Stand up tall, as the saying goes. 

Second, appreciate your personality and live according to it. Laugh, talk about the things that don’t let you sleep in the night, show your talents. Speak up about your passion, either it is some kind of sport, singing, playing an instrument, painting, reading, or managing life as a full-time mom and career woman. Give your authentic self whenever it’s possible.

Healthy and unhealthy sexual expressions 

Studies also show healthy sexual expression includes an acceptance of our primary nature, a positive attitude towards our bodies, nudity, and sexual needs. Accept yourself, your circumstances, sexual cravings, and know that your appearance doesn’t define your self-worth. 

To take acceptance one step further, you’ll have to apply it regardless of other’s behavior. Does it truly matter what people think about you? If what you do, how you dress or wear makeup make you feel sexy, please, don’t let others ruin those positive emotions. Being sexy doesn’t have to mean you must meet others’ expectations. If you want to be sexy for the sake of impressing, you might feel bad if you don’t reach your goal. That’s an unhealthy approach toward your sexual expression. Don’t develop a sex appeal for others; do it for yourself and treat it as self-care instead.

Dealing with others projections

According to Darlene Lancer, toxic relationships expert, “projection is a defense mechanism commonly used by abusers.” To put it simply, it is an unwanted, usually mean comment on your behavior or appearance by other people. The best way to deal with it is by setting boundaries. When someone is projecting on you, be aware it is not you: you’re not identical with their comments. It is crucial to not enter into a discussion with the person. It would be best if you didn’t argue or defend yourself because that behavior will only reinform the projector’s thoughts.

Darlene suggests replying to projections with sentences like:

– “I don’t see it that way.”

– “We simply disagree.”

– “That’s your opinion, I disagree.”

Best tips on how to be sexy

Learn how to experiment with your sexual energy and show your charisma.

1. Be your authentic self

As it’s always the case, some people will like you, while others won’t, and that’s perfectly fine. You are sympathetic for some and not at all for others. If you want to impress those who are a good fit for you, you shouldn’t shy away from showing your real self. You can be loud, funny, and talkative, or shy and soft. It doesn’t matter until you present your authentic self. Talk about your passion and show the world who you are.

2. Enhance your confidence and self-esteem

There’s one common thing in people who have an intense sex appeal: they’re all self-confident. They’re comfortable in their skin, and they feel good about themselves. Self-confident people don’t apologize for their needs, don’t take things personally, and aren’t insecure. They also don’t want to please others: if they don’t feel like drinking alcohol, for example, they’ll kindly speak up and stick to their principles.

Here’s a comprehensive guide on how you can enhance your confidence and self-esteem effectively. 

3. Use your body language

Play with your body language. Look into others’ eyes when talking to them, show interest with your whole body, be open, and gesticulate.

4. Be kind

Studies confirm kindness and selflessness are perceived as highly attractive by most people. The good news is being kind is not a trait; it’s a sexy behavior anyone can do without much effort. 

5. Embrace sexual self-exploration

Lastly, if you’d like to enhance your charisma in the bedroom as well, embrace sexual self-exploration. Learn about your body with an open mind, experiment with different movements, and accept your wildest desires. No matter how old you are, there’s always something new to encounter when it comes to sex. Welcome your non-conventional sexual needs judgment-free and let it be a significant confidence booster.


Sexiness is less about appearance than you might have initially thought and more about self-acceptance, overcoming your fears, and confidently presenting your authentic self to the world. Remember, you can’t please everybody, but you can influence how you feel about yourself – sexiness is a form of self-care.

By admin

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